Where you at?!

wow. wow. wow. I’m feeling that little itch I get. The itch that I need to jot down some thoughts again, it’s relentless ya know? It’s like the biggest mosquito in the amazon took a little nibble at my leg, and now the itch won’t leave unless it’s scratched. So let’s cross our fingers that this “scratching” will help it go away. I’ve recently had a few people asking me about where my blogs at… and why haven’t I been posting anymore… I’m hoping this will be an eye opener for many.

I think it’s all recognized or we like to really believe that kindness goes a long way, we may never know how much depth it takes, but I think we like to hope that every act of kindness we do, touches someone in all the right spots. I’m SO grateful for kind people in the world, for those who have shared their efforts with me, and have been such a light during a dark time. If I never told you in person, I have failed, because I very much believe that when someone does something out of sincere kindness for you, it absolutely should be acknowledged, recognized, and passed on to another.

This summer has been very hard for me, you guys. And that really makes me sad to have to say that because when May came around ooooh man, I was SO stoked for this summer to grace us with its presence! I had a whole list of plans and experiences that I was wanting to have with my little family and I just couldn’t wait for that summer air to hit my lungs. But things went in a very very different direction sadly.

We had some family live with us this summer and while we were willing to take that on and do what was needed, it took a toll. Damon and I fought more during that time than we had our entire marriage combined. I felt this constant pressure and stress, I just wanted to be able to relax and just feel at home, but there was this kinda weird uncertain feeling present. A feeling that just really ate away at me. And so we fought. About some of thee most pointless things, some embarrassing things, but in the moment it just seemed like we both had a lot on our plates and it was hard to be there for each other.

And then, a few more sad experiences happened. I had had enough. For about the past three years I have been struggling with depression. And it feels so strange to openly admit that because come on! you’re Macall!! you’re one of the happiest most smiley people around! Well, maybe I used to be, but recently I haven’t been. And I really do miss being her! I loved being happy Macall… I mean she was the best! She could light up a room just by being in it, she could gather a happy crowd around her, she could lift and inspire and do just about anything! After tearing my hamstring, I really struggled with my identity. For most of my life, I had been introduced as Macall, the ballerina. It had been my world, my sanctuary, and my constant. It was suddenly removed from my life and I fell face first into the concrete. During that time, and continuing till about the present day I also let some people get to me. I allowed the sum of certain people’s actions and words spoken and unspoken convince me that I was unworthy of their love and respect. That if I couldn’t do things, that made it simple for them, then there was very little interest in our relationship. I hit such a dark low, that I started questioning my worth and value in this life.

It. Broke. Me.

So I stopped. I stopped things right where they were and said enough is enough. I spent hours and hours talking to Damon about what was happening and that I was scared of where things were heading. We’ve made some changes. I have become acutely aware of the people and few things that bring me joy, and I have stepped back from all the rest. I got rid of over half of my clothes in my closet, realizing that I really don’t care that much about fashion. I care about Nike leggings, and cool shoes, but other than that… I just really don’t care. I work out for 2 hours everyday because as weird as this sounds, I love the pain of getting stronger. I love pushing myself to be faster and stronger than those around me.  After hitting such a low, I decided that for the next little while I can only surround myself with people who I feel truly loved and wanted by. Those who can fill up my cup til it starts running over and I have more to give again.

So where have I been? I have been being Macall. I have been getting back to my tom-boy tendencies. I have been searching for my own happiness. I have been doing all that I can to survive some of the whirlwinds in my life, whether I created them myself or not. I have a feeling that things are about to get really good, because as life would have it once you survive all your downs you can only go up from there.

From all of this, if there is one thing I have learned it’s this. Be oh so kind to those around you, because regardless of what social media may be saying, you never know what’s going on behind closed doors. You never know what dark path a person may be walking. Share your light, share your strength, and never let a kind thought go unspoken.

 

5 thoughts on “Where you at?!

  1. Thank you for being so brave! For putting another personal piece of yourself out there! You’re certainly not alone sweet lady. I have battled anxiety my whole life, and depression on and off. I’ve also identified and gathered those around me that love me…just as I am. Part of dealing with the hard stuff is me putting on a happy face, and trying my darndest to be a light. You don’t even know how much this post speaks to me. You are loved for just who you are girl…even by an older lady, acquaintance, from a little branch in west Haven. ❤️ Caryl E.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love you endlessly. I saw both pain and joy in your eyes yesterday. My greatest hope for you is more joy…less pain. You’re on the right track. Surround yourself with people who REFLECT your kindness and goodness and beauty and happiness and joy. (Basically, it’s time to move across the street from me.) 😜 You deserve nothing less than the best because you ARE THE BEST. 😘❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have loved every word of your blog. You have a way of making me feel empowered! I’m sure you felt vulnerable sharing that but you are so strong to be able to do that. It’s amazing how we always have the view that people are so amazing and holding it together so well when really on the inside they feel like they are drowning alive! Keep sharing your thoughts please. I feel like you are so honest and real and it really helps me think about my own life and what’s really important and helps me kind of re-focus a bit. You’re incredible, girl!

    Liked by 1 person

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