The changes I’m making.

Hi friends! So since my last post I just need to quickly say something.

Thank you.

To the friends and family members who have been so kind, insightful, and available, I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am for you. I had quite a few people message me to either tell their story of battling depression, share a little love, or just wanting to check up on me! It has meant so much and I hope you know that most of the advice that was given I have started applying it in my life.

I know a sweet sweet girl who also has a blog and on it she has been sharing her story of divorce. In one of her latest posts she shared how going to the doctor was a life saver and how la la la therapy and medication actually helped her in the healing process. I have always been fairly skeptical of therapy. For some reason, I’ve struggled with the idea of telling a complete stranger some of my deepest darkest thoughts/feelings and seeing what she/he has to say about them. But, after reading her post I couldn’t stop thinking maybe I need to see a doctor…

I also started reading this self-help book about depression called “feeling good” and I’m so serious when I say IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH SELF WORTH PLEASE GO AND READ IT! It’s been incredibly helpful and inspiring. In one of the first chapters though, it has what’s called the Burn’s Depression Checklist, it’s this quick test where you answer 25 questions and based on your answers it can give you a simple range with where you’re at emotionally. After I took it and added up my numbers I thought Oh, it’s actually not that high… maybe I’m fine after all! But, then I found out what the ranges were and I felt a little shocked. Is it weird that sometimes we are completely unaware of how bad things have gotten? This is an extreme example but, say you go in for a regular doctor’s checkup you say something like “yeah I have a few aches and pains in this area, I’m a little tired, but other than that no biggie” The doctor then looks at you seriously, runs some simple tests, and tells you that actually it is a “BIGGIE” you have some sort of condition or disease. All that time you thought you just had some random pain, but it actually was a lot more serious than you expected. That’s kinda what it felt like after I took this test. And especially with a few of my answers it repeatedly said “If your answers were _____, please seek help immediately”. So, after reading all of these things, Damon and I have decided to start going to therapy and getting some serious help.

Today was the day. We entered the room (me feeling a little nervous), sat on a soft squishy couch, and talked about the problems we have been facing throughout our marriage. I can say I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from it, like would she just agree and validate my feelings and boom we were done…?…. would she tell me I’m dead wrong and need to just move past all of this…? Well I’m happy to say she met us somewhere in the middle. We discussed addicts, family dynamics, depression, personalizing people’s actions, and a whole list of super helpful things, but above all I just felt like there was balance within what she was saying. I’m also super grateful that Damon and I did it together. It’s provided a sense of accountability, honesty, and working on things as one. Versus me just saying “Well my therapist said _______, so you have to _____!” She left us with some things to go home and discuss together and then she wrote this up on her whiteboard “Empathize with the distress but, let it be their distress.” OOOH my gosh. If someone had told me that 3 years ago, that probably would have saved me from a whole lotta pain! I have been a huge source for my own problems. And while that’s a little frustrating, it’s also super relieving because it means I CAN CHANGE! I have the power and control to better myself regarding this entire situation.

I left feeling happy. Which is something that I truly haven’t felt in quite some time. I felt like there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we’re finally making our way towards it. Not that all of our problems are magically solved by going to one therapy session, but I’m genuinely feeling hopeful that we are going to be able to work through this, where for the longest time I was overcome with doubt.

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I hope that we can all leave the hush-hush and taboo of therapy behind us. Getting help for your situation is always a good thing! I know that we all struggle, whether that is within ourselves, with family members, or with our marriage, should we not put the effort in to fixing things that are meaningful to us?

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