I’ve had this thing on my mind for awhile now. And for some reason, every time I go to write about it, I stop. It’s like as my brain starts diving into all my thoughts and feelings on the subject, I freeze. I worry how others will feel about my thoughts and perspective. Well, that’s not something new, I’ve always worried about that. But, in this particular case, it’s different, it’s deeper, it’s like I’m opening a box in front of a group of people that I would rather bury deep in the ground or light on fire. I still, however, keep knowing that it’s something that needs to have some light shone on it.
I had a rough summer, at this point it’s old news but, it has everything to do with what I’m about to talk about. When I say rough I don’t mean it in the context of my-roommate-ate-my-leftovers-again kind of rough. We’re talking a whole other level, a level that I truly never ever expected myself to be on.
I hit a full on emotional and mental breaking point this summer. I fell into my lowest of lows. For quite some time, I had been crazy-over-the-top invested in a few things that just weren’t healthy and couldn’t give back in the way that I was needing. I let it drive me into the ground. I’d constantly be thinking about it and in response be getting little to nothing in return. But, for some reason I couldn’t get myself to just simply stop. For those who have had really close relationships with me, you know I’ve always been an all or nothing sorta girl. I’m either in 110% or not interested in the slightest. It’s hard for me to do the weird in between stuff, ya know? Like, crazy freakin hard, but I am learning! So me being so invested in something that wasn’t reciprocating that same investment, tore me apart. My self esteem and worth flowed right out of me. I felt like i was nothing.
For a period of 17 days, I would lay awake each night thinking of how I wanted to end my life. Suicide. It’s such a strange word that had been so distant from me my entire life, and yet here I was having it weigh on my heart and mind. I couldn’t shake it, even when I’d go to pray or sing a hymn, or get up and move. I’d lie in bed each night after Damon had fallen asleep and cry. He’d wake up every now and again, pull me into him, and then eventually start breathing slowly. It was quiet, a darkness would sweep over me that made it hard to breathe. I was convinced that ending my life would be so much less painful than what I was feeling each day.
Then during one of the 50 billion emotional conversations damon and I had been having during that time. Something clicked in his brain. Mid-sentence he stopped, looked at me, and asked “have you been considering hurting yourself?” It caught me off guard, and I didn’t know how to respond. As tears started streaming down my face, I told him what had been happening every night. I didn’t share with him all the details and even now I still haven’t. It’s a weird overwhelming barrier to break; to go from thinking something to admitting it out loud, especially something as difficult as this. After that conversation, however, things started shifting. Every night no matter the time, if Damon sensed I was awake he’d be right there with me.
While things did start to get better, they were not instantly fixed. Suicidal thoughts are one of the most difficult things for me to describe. You can be having a normal pleasant conversation with someone on the surface and yet still on the inside be thinking of how terrible you feel about yourself. You almost feel either split in half, or like you’re putting on a happy display so others can keep going on about their lives. Because I kept having an extremely open conversation with Damon, I feel like I was able to get set on a path of healing.
We decided to start seeing a therapist together. And man, oh man. Do I have the best feelings towards her. She helped me understand SO much that I couldn’t see on my own. I also really wanted to get better, so everything she said I completely absorbed and clung on to.
During this time, I had also been praying a lot. But it didn’t quite feel like I was getting the whole overcome with peace experience that I was yearning for. I continued reading the Book of Mormon, but instead of just skimming over the pages like I had made a habit of, I felt like I was searching for something within those pages. And I almost instantly found it. I felt hope. I FELT HOPE, which is something I hadn’t felt in what seemed like forever. And ya know what hope does to a person?! It lifts them, it empowers them, it strengthens them. Hope is truly one of the most powerful things a person can carry with them in this life.
And from there, things truly started getting better and happier. So, so much happier.
Here’s the thing though, I feel so much compassion to those around me now. I really wish I could walk up to strangers and just squeeze them and tell them how capable they are of doing the impossible. Because don’t we all feel like we are facing the impossible from time to time? Don’t we all hit bumps in the road that can honestly feel like too high of mountains to climb?
Absolutely. Every. Single. One. Of. Us.
I feel so passionately that every one of us matters. We each have unique abilities that so many around us benefit from. And I firmly believe that the world would NOT be a better place without you in it. Yes, you. You matter. If you have ever felt like you don’t, know how badly I wish I could wrap my arms around you. Know that I absolutely believe in you, I stand with you, and I would do anything to be there with you through this dark time.
We are all loved and so insanely worthwhile, even when it’s hard to believe so. 💗