You hear a stirring in the house, you recognize the sound as soon as it’s made, and you’re up. You move. You find your way to the sound, pick up a warm bundle, and feel small arms stretch around your neck. A yawn escapes your mouth, tiredness. It always seems to be there despite the hours you spent laying in bed last night. Morning routine, school, chores.
As the day progresses, you fill all those babies’ needs. Food, clothes, attention, stimulation, sleep, a lot of it comes from the effort you exert. You find comfort in your effort, you feel strength in the day to day tasks, but it wasn’t always that way.
No, there was a time when you felt lost in the pile of laundry, when you felt overwhelmed by the lack of sleep and surplus of tears, and numb from sacrificing so many personal desires for the sake of those little ones. There was a time you felt utterly and strangely alone, despite having a baby next to your side. There was a time you wondered how you could feel so low, when you had just experienced one of the most precious things this life has to offer. Little by little, moment by moment, you feel a whole range of incredible highs and new uncomfortable lows. You didn’t even know your heart could feel this much.
We each experience motherhood so differently. How could we not when our children are so different from one another? How could we not when from the very beginning, we are taking on so much more than we could ever know?
It’s easy to slip away in all that’s being asked of us. It’s easy to start losing sight of our true selves when we have so many little humans needing different pieces of us. It’s simple to start settling into the motions of all the daily demands and never stopping the to-do-train. What’s hard is to search, and to keep on searching until you have found the new you. It’s difficult to stop and take the time necessary to figure out who you are all over again. But, that fight is something you need, Mama. Knowing who you are, not only as a mother, but in all aspects of life, is going to give you the motivation and drive to take on every task this life may throw at you. There’s a strength and energy that comes from knowing what is meant for you, and what is simply meant for others.
You as a mother, may thrive off a clean kitchen, or maybe it just fills you completely to have an incredible career. Whatever “it” is, it’s worth taking the time to search for and find. It’s worth all the trial and error until you know what it is that fulfills you, so that you can help those that depend on you. There also, is no failing here. Any effort you place in the hopes of finding your happy self, is an effort worth making.
We’ve all started that journey, the moment that little plus sign came up on the pregnancy test, it began. Where are you now? Are you lost somewhere in the shuffle? Have you fought your way back on top again? Every effort you can manage to put into yourself is going to lead to incredible amounts of happiness for those surrounding you. There’s no need to let guilt shake you from your beauty. To let it convince you that anything that is done for your happiness is a selfish act. Leave those thoughts to rest. Every day, I hope you find a moment to be completely happy with yourself. If that means, you took the time to do your makeup, please do it. If that means, you found a half hour in the day to create something, do it. If that means, you picked up some french fries on the way home, they better be the best fries you can find!
The more we can keep a focused effort on ourselves, despite what may be pulling at our priority list, the happier and more fulfilled we can become as mothers.